We call it the wander pig because on the highway it wanders like a room full of hyperactive kids on a sugar high. For brevities sake we also call it the pig for its propensity to drink gas with merry abandon. It dresses like Johnny Cash but underneath it’s all Barney the purple dinosaur. My friends have even dubbed it the molesta-van because of its sinister blacked out windows. I submit for your consideration my 1997 Chevrolet Astro van, henceforth known as The Van.
The van is my Swiss army knife of vehicles; it’s always there when I need it, ready to endure all manner of abuse while my fun cars stay safely sheltered. The Astro rattles over bumps like gravel in a clothes dryer, it’s as technically sophisticated as a safety pin and handles like a pig in syrup but I love it. Ginger’s even a convert and has uttered, “Love this van!” so many times it’s becoming her catch phrase.
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Macho, macho van, I’ve got to be a macho van. Exploring the old logging roads in the black beauty.
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I have gone from accepting the van as a necessary evil, to admiring its pluck to full on puppy love. Like any romance it started out innocently enough. Three years ago I was reevaluating my rolling stock and it was becoming increasingly apparent that I was unfulfilled. The fleet consisted of my wife’s 2008 Ford Focus coupe, a 1991 Mercury Capri convertible and a 2000 Mazda Miata. We had fun, frugality and quirkiness in the lineup but utility was sorely missing. I was borrowing my friend’s truck constantly, we didn’t have a car that could carry more than two comfortably and for the first time in my adult life I didn’t have an all-wheel-drive vehicle. So with a fist full of rationalizations I continued to do what I always do; search for another car. Instead of my usual frittering away the hours scouring the internet and classified ads to titillate my car search pleasure center, this time, I actually planned on buying something.
The first step was to go over the mental check list of what I wanted in a pack mule; it had to carry as many people as possible so I could haul my daughter, nieces and nephews on Griswald like quests for family fun. It had to carry cargo like furniture, photography gear, video equipment and car parts in a lockable hold. It had to be four wheel or all-wheel drive to ply the snow bound and mud strewn by ways of Pennsylvania, it should be able to fit in my garage and on my lift, and finally, it had to be able to tow a car trailer. In essence I was looking for a four wheeled platypus. There is one other consideration that speaks to my attitude or philosophy or cheapness, if you will, and that is it had to be used. I could never get my head around using and abusing a vehicle with five or more years of payments and full coverage insurance. I look at my utility vehicle as more or less disposable and don’t want to worry about every little dent, scratch or mystery stain. With that in mind let’s add another caveat to the mix; the vehicle must be inexpensive and rugged with new and used parts readily available.
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I scoff at your puny trailer, for I am Astro! Hauling the goods and turning over 150,000 miles.
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The need for a cavernous passenger area eliminated pick-up trucks from consideration; likewise the ability to remove the seats for cargo meant no SUV’s. Full size vans have most of the traits I needed but in the snow you might as well back out of your drive way and run into the first tree you see so at least you won’t have far to walk home in the cold. Chevrolet offers a full size van with all-wheel drive but its ungainly length means it won’t fit on my garage lift when it’s fixin’ time.
So into the sudden death elimination round I was left with only two choices, the Ford Aerostar and the Chevy Astro. The Aerostar with the 4.0L six and electronic four wheel drive is not bad but they do rust horribly along the rocker panels and besides Ford orphaned the vehicle in 1997 giving me eight fewer model years to choose from than the Astro, which left GM’s lineup in 2005. It’s really amazing that with so many cars from so many manufacturers there is only one that answers all my needs, and of course they don’t make it anymore. I guess I’m the very definition of a niche buyer. I can now sympathize with the handful of people whose lives were ruined when Crosley stopped making cars, “Damn! Now where am I going to find a panel van that can double as a piece of weekend luggage?”
When I triumphantly announced my choice of the Astro to my wife her reaction was something close to, “A minivan?” said with horror in her voice and punctuated with gagging noises and a fingers-down-the-throat pantomime. Being the attentive husband I am I started to sense a lack of enthusiasm. At this point I must break to make a psychological point, I have never in my life met anyone who was too cool for a minivan, I have met many who thought they were, but none who were in reality. I suppose if Steve McQueen would come back to life he’d be close, but I picture, even he, towing his Porsche 911 behind an Astro with STP stickers on the windows.
I got stuck into Autotrader and Craigslist in earnest and found no shortage of candidates. The prices and specs ranged from low mileage units in mint condition running $12,000 and up, to battle scared veterans of 200,000 miles and sub $3000 price tags. It was encouraging to see so many Astros with over 200K on the clock, it bode well of their reliability. In hind sight, where the view is better and the horizon vertical, I should have found one of the chaste and unspoiled low mileage vans and ponied up the extra money. In my defense I thought my time with the boxy Chevy was going to be one of those torrid love ‘em and leave ‘em affairs where I'd get my cheap hauling thrills and then leave the van to the body snatchers at the local U-Pull-It junk yard.
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A trio of 2004 Astro vans showed up at a local used car dealer. This is the equivalent of public pole dancing for a van geek. All three were all-wheel-drive and all have under 45,000 miles, what a tease!
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The ad that finally caught my eye went something like this: For Sale (a good start)1997 Chevrolet Astro Van, All-Wheel Drive, 7 passenger. Van has power windows and locks, cruise control, front and rear air conditioning, and (wait for it…) towing package. 112,000 miles, looks and runs well, $3000 or best offer.
I called the seller and his directions led me to a picturesque farm in the middle of nowhere. As I drove up the circular dirt road to a pristine white farm house I saw the Astro in all its glory. It was black and parked next to it was a Dodge Caravan, also black. The well-kept farm and two black vans indicated the seller was a Mennonite, so all fears of shady dealing were laid to rest, but on the flip side negotiations might be difficult. The Mennonites are a Christian sect that live plain, devout lives in tight knit communities; think Amish with cars and power tools.
I was looking the van over when the seller came out of the barn. The Astro wasn’t abused but did bear the slight scars of one called to serve and who did so faithfully. The seller said he was selling it because his older children had moved out and he didn’t need two vehicles anymore. I took it for a spin and it did what I asked it to do. The van did have some defects, however, like an illuminated check engine light, an inoperable driver’s side window, the rear hatch would stick and the radio didn’t work. I used those shortcomings to get the price down to $2600, the farmer didn’t counter offer so the van was mine. I did notice something else out of the ordinary when I opened the hood; the van was originally purple and re-sprayed in gloss black. Pennsylvania Mennonites only drive black vehicles, even going so far as to black out all bright work including wheel covers and chrome trim to avoid being ostentatious. I’m thankful for their piety because driving a minivan is tolerable but a purple one is pushing it.
I stopped by Autozone on the way home and bought a driver’s side window motor, two oxygen sensors, and a Haynes manual. I took the radio out to find the antennae unplugged, the rear hatch was fixed by popping the latching rods back in their holes and securing them with a zip tie, and the O2 sensors took care of the engine light, three hour’s work and the van was made whole.
Three days after buying the van we had over a foot of snow and the Astro plowed through it as if it wasn’t there. In the intervening three years I have hauled everything from furniture to gravel inside the van, (the gravel was in bags, I’m not a Neanderthal after all) to hauling all manner of trailer as well as Kayaks, bicycles, snow blowers and lawn implements. The Chevy has even pulled its fair share of cooler cars out of snow-drifted ditches.
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The Van after three days of ownership, as the first few inches of snow would turn into over a foot that night.
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So endith my ode to the Chevrolet Astro, for a sports car guy a case of strange love indeed.
An update: I sold The Van! After the effusive missive above
I sold my beloved Astro. This heavy-hearted decision was made for a few
reasons. First, I inherited a car wholly inappropriate for my taste and life
style, but a car of great sentimental value to Ginger. This car, and my
grudging respect for it, will be the subject of my first video blog here.
The other reason I sold the van is, as I mentioned in the
article, it wasn’t the best example I could have bought initially and keeping it
running as it approached 200,000 miles was becoming a constant project.
As a side note, before I sold the van I did a week’s worth
of service and maintenance on it so I could sell it with confidence and
honesty. It’s like all the work you do to prepare a house for sale, after all
the effort you hate to sell it and ask yourself why you didn’t do all this
stuff earlier so you could enjoy it?
The final reason is to cull the herd and convince myself
that I’m not a car hoarder. Ginger and I were the custodians of a fleet of 7
vehicles: Three Miatas, a Volvo S60R, A Pontiac Vibe, a Mercury Capri XR2, and
the van. With the inherited car referenced above making eight, enough was
enough. We had a three car garage, a single garage and two storage units filled
with rolling stock and still had a car or two parked outside. All but two cars were
insured, licensed and inspected. Couple that with Harwell the younger driving next year and Ca-ching! The decision was made that if we’re
going to keep that much in the stable they better be appreciating classics.
The Astro will be irrationally missed, made more poignant by the fact that nothing on the market can replace it.
Marve Harwell 2014
Marve Harwell 2014
Marve Harwell ©2012
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